On this, his birthday...

My dad would have been 56 today.

If things had turned out differently, we might have had a party. My mom might have cooked his favorite: prime rib. I might have unearthed my old (and very limited) cake decorating supplies to bake him a chocolate cake with chocolate icing to eat with chocolate ice cream topped with chocolate fudge. The family might have chipped in to buy him a special gift. I might have been sitting at my usual spot at the kitchen table next to him while we talked theology until well after midnight.

But things didn't turn out differently. Instead, I am having a glass of his favorite scotch (Balvenie) in honor of his memory. It was actually his bottle, come to think of it. Thanks, Dad.

In those turbulent high school years I saw my dad as my rock, my steady anchor and support in that raging sea of stereotypical teenage angst. I could tell him anything, ask him anything, and he would drop what he was doing to be what a father should be. Now he is gone, and try as I might, sometimes I can't help but feel alone. It doesn't make sense. I have a wonderful husband, a caring family, and supportive Christian friends. But that connection - that deep understanding I shared with my dad and no one else - that is gone.

A friend and mentor explained to me recently that the Lord sometimes takes our idols away from us. Perhaps that is what God has done here for me. Now my dad is with Jesus, and my heart and mind are more frequently drawn to Him than they ever were.

That is, I believe, what my dad would want. The cross was his life. He constantly pointed others to Christ. In his death, I am reminded that the Gospel gives life. My dad is forgiven, and so am I. When the Lord calls me home, what a happy reunion it will be.

Here's to you, Dad.

Made in China

I ordered a number keypad from eBay last week to make it easier to catalog my personal library with my laptop on LibraryThing.com (a totally awesome site - so worth the 25 bucks!). I was so tickled by the English description. Raise your hand if you think a native speaker wrote this...

"The KEYPAD portabie 18/19 - key numerical

keypad brings the Notebook working

environment to the next level.

To fit to maximum portabilty,hence it's

designed to be slim, lightweight, flexibie.

USB cabie"

Too funny.

Auntie Time

Guess what I did during last week's snow days...

How could anyone not fall for this handsome little guy?

It was a good break.

Snow Day!!

I started Christmas break with all kinds of lofty ambitions to get my grading finished early and to work ahead for the semester.

Ummm...yeah, right.

So, naturally (as some could attest to), I was up until midnight scrambling to get things together for the first day of 2nd semester. Even though it had been snowing all day, there was no news on whether school would be cancelled. How frustrating.

But after stumbling out of bed well before sunrise, the good news came: NO SCHOOL! It's funny how a snow day is as exciting for the teachers as it is for the students.

Now my schoolwork is [sufficiently] complete, dishes are done, house is in decent shape, and it's barely 8 o'clock.

It's going to be a good day.

Proper Distinctions

Is sanctification Law or Gospel? This has been a topic of discussion in the Smith household for a few days now...

Four years ago today.

Distraction

I was ready for school to start. It's exciting to be working with older students. Even though it's more difficult, I find that reading about the political intrigues of the Italian Renaissance is much more enjoyable than figuring out how to teach 7-year-olds what sounds "th" makes.

But there is a different way in which I was looking forward to school. It provides me with a built-in distraction from so many burdens. I don't mean to complain because, yes, things could be a lot worse and, yes, despite my cares I am still immensely blessed. Yet to acknowledge that doesn't flip a magical switch and remove the sadness that I carry.

The story is that when Martin Luther was depressed, he threw himself into his work. I definitely think it's more desirable to do that than to sit around and wallow in self-pity. If I'm focusing on something worthwhile, something immediate, and something emotionally neutral, then I'm NOT focusing on sorrow, and pain, and loss. How can that be a bad thing?

A couple of nights ago as I was falling asleep, I was thinking about what happens when I stop and step back from my work. Where has my distraction led me? I take my head out of the sand and the crosses I bear are as real as ever. What's worse is that in using my job as a set of blinders to take my eyes off of the hurt I risk blinding myself to the good things in life. A long walk in cool twilight. New songs on the radio. Enjoying a drink and cigar on the deck with my husband. The pleasure of rambling about whatever strikes my fancy at my computer. Picking garden ripe tomatoes. The joy of decorating my house. A thoughtful gift from a good friend.

Yes, I was looking forward to school for its value as a distraction. I'm sure it will remain a temptation for me to treat it as one. But I need to remind myself that it's not worth taking my eyes off of what is important.